Monday, August 15, 2011

Worst. Day. Ever.

I hate goodbyes. Even if, like in my case, it's not really a goodbye, it's just a see ya later.. later as in like 2ish months, maybe. I couldn't help but think as I was sobbing to myself driving away from my boyfriend's house that nothing will ever be like it has been these past 2 years. Yeah, next summer he'll come home and things will be somewhat the same but the majority of the time I'll be, he'll be and my sister will be living whole new lives.. No more walking into your house after school everyday and seeing your parents or your dog or you cat welcoming you back home. When I moved here I always told myself that'd I'd never get attached to a place like this and I didn't, all I got attached to was being home. Home with my family, on squishy carpets and coffee colored walls. Which I guess I'll have to grow out of in the next year seeing as I'm the next one leaving.. But I couldn't help but wonder who planned out how long we were going to be in school and living with our families and if they realized that the timing is perfect. My boyfriend for example, I know for a fact that even though he always said he wanted to get out of high school so fast and just get away to college at the beginning of his senior year but, he wasn't ready. No one is ever ready. You people out there that graduated early, good luck, because there's no way you're ready. But now, after his last year and last summer officially at home I know he's ready, I know he's strong enough and I know most importantly that he knows he's ready for this. So what the freak right? How do you plan something like that out? Was it just random like some dudes with mustaches got together and decided how long they were going to put kids in school for? Just until they were 18? But who even decided 18 was old enough to be an "adult?" How the heck do you plan out something so perfect and yet everyone thinks it's the most retarded thing on the planet? School. For 12 years. 13, including kindergarten. 14 including pre-school! And yet, at the end of everyone's (or at least the intelligent one's that learned to grow) senior year, they're ready. I hope I'm ready.. because at this point I'd love to just stuff myself in one of Michael's suitcases and just live in his dorm for a year. Because honestly, going through this school day without him felt like I was just a ghost going room to room not really feeling anything just becoming more numb to the pain I felt in my heart and my gut and my soul of him not being with me to hold my hand physically and emotionally. But.. I know I have to make it through this year and I know we will. And after it all, we'll both be stronger individually and as us. And then, if I get accepted, we'll start a new chapter of our lives together. After all, I guess this was only chapter one of what I hope will be a very long novel. I love you Michael Anthony. I miss you so much already. xoxo

<3

Sunday, August 14, 2011

You know those times when you really don't want to do something?

So tomorrow is my first last day in high school and also my boyfriend's last day at home. So awesome right? My closest sister just left like a day ago too so right now I'm alone in my house expect for my parents who are probably knocked out in bed right now expecting me to be knocked out in bed too but really I'm up doing this because technically it's not even my "bed time" yet. Yeah. 11 o'clock bed time. Go senior year. Woo. Anyway, I'm staying up because at this point tomorrow is going to be so bad I'd rather pretend like it isn't happening at all. Soooooo, I'm really just up on a regular Sunday night doing nothing and living in a happy world instead of one that's about to go up in smoke. This depression life crisis thing is probably what inspired me to pick up The Virgin Suicides to read when I don't want to listen to over weight lived-in-the-south-all-my-life-y'all teachers talk about the classroom rules which either don't really matter or you've already heard on like every other first day of school. God, I could fall asleep just at "these are all yours that MUST get signed by a parent or guardian by tomorrow." Yeah, tomorrow, right.. Good thing I'll definitely forget and you won't care. I guess the best thing about the first day of school is teacher don't want to be there just as much as you don't want to be and they can't give out homework because they don't want to grade it either. I mean think about it, being around either immature idiots or arrogant jerks all between the ages of 15-18. I would die. And then slap them all in the face with big fat F's. All that's really getting me through this year is thinking about either indoor after this godforsaken season of marching band, graduation and college where I don't have to be under any ridiculous regulations like no water bottles in the hallway or midol in your backpack. Sorry but you are not taking my midol, and if you do and I start crying or pass out on the floor or cuss you out in the middle of class it's your own fault. Man, just thinking of walking into that barren wasteland of rednecks and occasional nice people just makes me want to get in some sort of accident that doesn't let me go to school and just lets me do all my learning and work at home. I'm allergic to school. Like for real, I'm breaking out in hives. Just kidding that would suck because my mom would make me go anyway and hives are horrible. Because then, if you're like me, you don't want that first shot they offer you because you're deathly afraid of shots so when it gets so bad you can't stand and can't sleep because you're crying and itching so badly and wearing clothes makes you want to stab animals they give you two shots right in the love handle.. Ugh, anyway, I'm getting tired. Ttyl.

<3