Turn up the Death Cab. Please.

I hate being alone.

Worst. Day. Ever.

I hate goodbyes. Even if, like in my case, it's not really a goodbye, it's just a see ya later.. later as in like 2ish months, maybe. I couldn't help but think as I was sobbing to myself driving away from my boyfriend's house that nothing will ever be like it has been these past 2 years. Yeah, next summer he'll come home and things will be somewhat the same but the majority of the time I'll be, he'll be and my sister will be living whole new lives.. No more walking into your house after school everyday and seeing your parents or your dog or you cat welcoming you back home. When I moved here I always told myself that'd I'd never get attached to a place like this and I didn't, all I got attached to was being home. Home with my family, on squishy carpets and coffee colored walls. Which I guess I'll have to grow out of in the next year seeing as I'm the next one leaving.. But I couldn't help but wonder who planned out how long we were going to be in school and living with our families and if they realized that the timing is perfect. My boyfriend for example, I know for a fact that even though he always said he wanted to get out of high school so fast and just get away to college at the beginning of his senior year but, he wasn't ready. No one is ever ready. You people out there that graduated early, good luck, because there's no way you're ready. But now, after his last year and last summer officially at home I know he's ready, I know he's strong enough and I know most importantly that he knows he's ready for this. So what the freak right? How do you plan something like that out? Was it just random like some dudes with mustaches got together and decided how long they were going to put kids in school for? Just until they were 18? But who even decided 18 was old enough to be an "adult?" How the heck do you plan out something so perfect and yet everyone thinks it's the most retarded thing on the planet? School. For 12 years. 13, including kindergarten. 14 including pre-school! And yet, at the end of everyone's (or at least the intelligent one's that learned to grow) senior year, they're ready. I hope I'm ready.. because at this point I'd love to just stuff myself in one of Michael's suitcases and just live in his dorm for a year. Because honestly, going through this school day without him felt like I was just a ghost going room to room not really feeling anything just becoming more numb to the pain I felt in my heart and my gut and my soul of him not being with me to hold my hand physically and emotionally. But.. I know I have to make it through this year and I know we will. And after it all, we'll both be stronger individually and as us. And then, if I get accepted, we'll start a new chapter of our lives together. After all, I guess this was only chapter one of what I hope will be a very long novel. I love you Michael Anthony. I miss you so much already. xoxo

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You know those times when you really don't want to do something?

So tomorrow is my first last day in high school and also my boyfriend's last day at home. So awesome right? My closest sister just left like a day ago too so right now I'm alone in my house expect for my parents who are probably knocked out in bed right now expecting me to be knocked out in bed too but really I'm up doing this because technically it's not even my "bed time" yet. Yeah. 11 o'clock bed time. Go senior year. Woo. Anyway, I'm staying up because at this point tomorrow is going to be so bad I'd rather pretend like it isn't happening at all. Soooooo, I'm really just up on a regular Sunday night doing nothing and living in a happy world instead of one that's about to go up in smoke. This depression life crisis thing is probably what inspired me to pick up The Virgin Suicides to read when I don't want to listen to over weight lived-in-the-south-all-my-life-y'all teachers talk about the classroom rules which either don't really matter or you've already heard on like every other first day of school. God, I could fall asleep just at "these are all yours that MUST get signed by a parent or guardian by tomorrow." Yeah, tomorrow, right.. Good thing I'll definitely forget and you won't care. I guess the best thing about the first day of school is teacher don't want to be there just as much as you don't want to be and they can't give out homework because they don't want to grade it either. I mean think about it, being around either immature idiots or arrogant jerks all between the ages of 15-18. I would die. And then slap them all in the face with big fat F's. All that's really getting me through this year is thinking about either indoor after this godforsaken season of marching band, graduation and college where I don't have to be under any ridiculous regulations like no water bottles in the hallway or midol in your backpack. Sorry but you are not taking my midol, and if you do and I start crying or pass out on the floor or cuss you out in the middle of class it's your own fault. Man, just thinking of walking into that barren wasteland of rednecks and occasional nice people just makes me want to get in some sort of accident that doesn't let me go to school and just lets me do all my learning and work at home. I'm allergic to school. Like for real, I'm breaking out in hives. Just kidding that would suck because my mom would make me go anyway and hives are horrible. Because then, if you're like me, you don't want that first shot they offer you because you're deathly afraid of shots so when it gets so bad you can't stand and can't sleep because you're crying and itching so badly and wearing clothes makes you want to stab animals they give you two shots right in the love handle.. Ugh, anyway, I'm getting tired. Ttyl.

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3:30 couldn't come any slower..

I hate first days at school. Its basically just the day when all your teachers make you feel stupid because you haven't done one educational thing this summer except try to do your summer reading the day before school starts and you even fail the test on it because you were so focused on how much the next day will be and how much you shouldn't have procrastinated. Well, at least, that's what happens to me.
What I hate the most is blocked scheduling. I mean, why on earth is it necessary to have an hour and a half in each class. It takes the fun out of "not doing any work on the first day of school." I even had homework. Yeah, homework. And it wasn't just those dumb parent letters all teachers think are necessary even though I don't know one parent who actually reads them. Maybe some crazy mother who's always on their son's back like "BILLY. GET DOWN HERE. GIMME YOUR PARENT LETTERS. ALL OF THEM." And then freaks out about everyone and calls everyone of your teachers to complain that the font is too small or something retarded like that. But yeah, I had homework and it was dumb. I also had a quiz in AP lang and I have a quiz on Thursday in Anatomy and a quiz every week in US history. Thank god for band or I'd probably rip everyone of my assignments up because there are just too many. Though we randomly have really stupid playing tests in band and I usually get points taken off for not starting soon enough or something like that even though we can go our own tempo. Everyone goes their own tempo anyway since we only have one drum major and I can never ever ever see her. But that's just another frustration in itself.. Man, I don't even know what topic I started on and I'm too lazy to move my eyes and read above. Oh well.
Another thing that bugs the crap out of me on the first day are those like ditsy people. Yeah, them. The one's that are always like standing in the middle or the hall with their mouths open and just zoning out on their class schedule. I mean Jesus, at least put on your blinker and get off the road! I have somewhere to be like oh I dunno, class? Get a map. El mapo. Ya know? It's not that hard.
I also hate all those immature people that you ALWAYS GET STUCK WITH. Like, I walked into my anatomy and physiology HONORS class. Which is basically like AP A/P and I get stuck with.. them. Those them that still laugh a naked bodies in texts books and at the word sex. I mean, granted, I have a pretty dirty mind that occasionally makes me chuckle to myself but really. Seriously. You should be almost out of puberty. Maybe all stupid dudes are just wittle late bloomers that occupy themselves by blowing things up and imagining someone wants to have sex with their nasty undeveloped bodies. Anyway, the teenage boy is not one of my brightest or most positive subjects. Probably because most of them have called me a. ugly or b. fat almost every year. Though I have to give props to Michael for being amazing and not a douche bag.
My wrist feels like the muscles shrunk. I feel like I have like mild carpal tunnel which is actually probable. What do you even do with that though, ya know? Hand/arm exercises? maybe I'll just ask my friend Google.
The only thing that's not keeping me in deep despair is the fact that as of today is Michael and I's "anniversary week" because a year ago today my wittle Mikey got the courage to talk to me which is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me ever. And he brought me a rooossseee and drove me to school and it was to cayooot. :) And I feel retarded to be writing about my boyfriend like a silly little girl but really, I could never ask for anything more in the world than just to be myself with him until i die. And that's the absolute truth.
So again, in the words of Truman, good afternoon, good evening and good night.

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Number One.

So.. This is my first blog.. I don't really know why I got one. I guess it's just because my mind is driving me mad? Perhaps this will be an outlet. So whenever I feel like I'm about to explode I'll just let it out instead of going to a pink fluffy diary where I need a key that got stuck behind my dresser to open the small metallic lock that I could probably break with my finger nail. God I hated those things. I had one when I was like 10 and all I wrote about if I even wrote in it was my ridiculous obsession with MyScene dolls. Yeah. I don't even think I wrote in it often enough for it to be my diary. My boyfriend's mom got me this weird journal this Christmas which I was cool with or whatever until I understood what was written on the front. "A. Lincoln." Unless I have a beard and saved the Untied States from slavery, I think I got regifted. Plus, writing hurts my hands too much and then I think I'm getting carpal tunnel or something weird like that, which is really just my imagination but I think it's real. Wow, I do that way too much. Since my boyfriend just found out that I got a blog I should probably talk about him. He is pretty amazing. Michael, that's his name. Our one year anniversary is this Friday which doesn't seem like much but it means quite a lot to us. But yeah.. I met him when I moved here last year even though I was "supposed" to date his friend I ended up with him, which, thank God I did because if I dated Taylor, that would be bad. So since he'll be reading this because he's nosey, hey Michael :) I guess I don't really care about using peoples names in this, I don't really care who sees this. Though this isn't like Brave New World where "everyone belongs to everyone else" eh? Man that book was depressing. I didn't really read the last 3 chapters because it was my summer reading and I sorta ran out of time so I SparkNoted the last three. Now I feel like I should be taking soma instead of writing this blog. If only...
I feel like I should be like some depressed person for writing a blog but obviously that's just a stereotype because, as apposed to last year I'm really happy. This time last year I was probably still crying in my bed from having to move away from my two best friends who recently became my ex-best friends. And they were all "there's more to life than high school." Oh my god. Everyone knows that. Like really? I want to get out of high school as soon as I can. Who doesn't? I hate high school. I hate school in general. Speaking of school, my first day is tomorrow and I want to slice something. I wish I was like home schooled or something but then I'd just want to go to back to school. Crap. I have to read 6 essays. Awesome. Summer reading is such a stupid thing. No one wants to do it, teachers don't want to deal with it and parents don't want to buy the books so why don't they just chuck it? If I was on the district board that's the first thing I'd get rid of in all the schools, that and no nap time.
Why doesn't hair grow faster? I swear, I go through this every year. My hair gets really long and then I decide, what they hay, I'll just chop it all off. And then it's uber short and I like it for two days and then I'm dying for it to grow back. Its only like and inch below my shoulders and that just is not enough. GROW! GROW GROW GROW! Maybe I should buy some horse shampoo..
I feel like I'm going to get addicted to this, just like facebook.. Oh man.. It's never going to stop.
Well... in the words of Truman, in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night.

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